RP: Logan Hawke (NSFW down below)

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"Not real. Having a nervous breakdown. And that's fine. It'll be completely fine." Anders felt like he weighed an extra thirty pounds, which wasn't far wrong with how much pond water his clothes had absorbed. He shivered as he approached the looming archway slowly, eyes wide.

The stone felt so real, the grit of mortar flaking under his fingernail, and he trailed his hand along it as he climbed a set of stairs up onto what were... walls. Battlements? The crenelations were the... castle-shaped things at the top?

He'd been playing fantasy games for years and he had no bloody idea.

It was colder as the wind whistled over him, and he huddled, arms going around himself. "Maker save me, I'm going to freeze to death in a hallucination." He kept walking, trying to chafe warmth back into his skin.

The tingling was uncomfortable, like pins and needles, but hot, and trying to get out, which wasn't exactly how he'd ever heard hypothermia described before, so that was a relief. He had to stop and lean against the wall as a violent shudder overtook him.

All of a sudden he was hot, far too hot and he held his hands away from his face, watching his clothes send curls of steam into the air. "Well, fantastic. My fucking fingers are on fire." He just stared in fascination at the licks of yellow-orange flames that limned his hands.

Comments

[modernhawke]

Logan focused on the slick damp of the dewy grass beneath their feet in an effort to not trip over his own feet again and worried at his bottom lip. Anders' arm around his waist felt impossibly wonderful and Logan had to remember to keep breathing normally. He leaned into Anders' side because he couldn't not, though he tried to make the action not too noticeable.

"You said..." he kept his eyes on his feet. "You said you wanted to kiss me."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"Did I?" Anders looked sidelong at Logan. He couldn't help but tighten his grip on the other man as they approached the threshold. He could excuse it. That was easy.

He was shocky and needed warmth, and Logan - Hawke, dammit - was obviously unsteady if he kept looking at his feet.

"Well, you know me. I talk. A lot. About all sorts of things." He licked his lips. Shit. If this was real and this was really Logan Hawke then... maybe he had ruined one of the best friendships he'd ever had?

[modernhawke]

Logan looked up at him sharply and then stopped leaning so close.

"Yeah," he said quietly, so soft that Anders probably had to struggle to hear him, "I know. I'm sure that was it."

He was really, really terrible at hiding the disappointment in his voice. Really. He sounded crushed, and promptly went back to staring fixedly at the ground again.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

The sudden change in Logan's manner made Anders stop once they were inside the warmth. He was still shuddering but just the contact had cleared some of the wooliness of his head.

And now that he could think he knew he'd done something. Saying he wanted to kiss him? Yeah, that... that was terrible.

He let Hawke go as they eased into the warmer air, sliding his arm out from around his waist.

"So, castles, right?" There were fitful spots of color in his cheeks, and he wandered down the great hall, past long tables and empty chairs toward the fireplace at one end. Could he? Well why the fuck not. He focused, flicked his wrist, and sent a small pile of flames sailing into the empty hearth with a soft whoomp.

[modernhawke]

The loss of Anders' arm around him cut more than Logan expected, and he mentally berated himself for a fool. Clearly they had been friends for a long time and clearly if Anders and his stupid-fantastic voice had ever been interested in Logan, it would have come up a long time ago. It was an old argument, one he told himself over and over again whenever his brain started going too wild and fantasizing about stupid things like actually being with someone again or having a boyfriend instead of his mother to come home to or Anders' lips right next to his ear and that voice whispering dirty things to him as Anders stroked him off or...

Logan let out a rather undignified choked off noise and forced himself to think about something else for possibly the millionth time. Except now he was trailing down a giant great hall after Anders, which afforded him a really nice view of Anders' ass, and then Anders did this wiggly finger thing and actually cast real, fucking actual flames into a fireplace, and Logan was pretty sure he was screwed.

This was becoming more and more clearly neither a hallucination nor a dream because if he would have hallucinated Anders mentioning kissing him, he would have definitely taken him up on that and probably used the excuse of shock and cold to cozy up to the man in a very Varric esque 'so we should probably be naked, spreads body heat faster' sort of line, and that clearly wasn't happening. Instead Anders was brushing the comment off like he'd said nothing at all and so this was very clearly real because that is exactly what would have happened.

In the event they got dragged to some mysterious castle and given magical powers. Because that was totally likely.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders turned away from the fire to find Logan - Hawke - looking at him with a... well what was that face? Mournful puppy? Baleful duckling? But it seemed kind of sorrowful, whatever it was.

Which made sense. Anders would be disappointed in himself too.

He ran his hand through his hair, causing the too-long strands to stand up in crazy disarray, and then shucked his damps cardigan off his shoulders and spread it out on hooks that were on the sides of the huge hearth, away from the primary blaze of heat.

He wished he could take the shirt, vest, or trousers off. "You know what I wish?" He quirked an eyebrow at Hawke. "That I had changed into soething reasonably comfortable when I got home." He plucked at the drying linen of the vest with a wrinkled nose.

[modernhawke]

Logan bit his lip hard enough to draw blood at the sight of all that ruffled ridiculous hair and the pseudo professor look underneath Anders' cardigan and the way his damp clothes clung a bit to Anders' lithe frame...

He took it back, he was definitely in hell.

"Yeah, well," he said, in a voice mostly steady from a long time of making it be so when it came to this man, "why am I not surprised you didn't?"

He raised both eyebrows challengingly and couldn't quite supress the small grin playing at his mouth.

He himself was in an old, somewhat ratty pair of gray jeans, worn enough to be comfortable, and a plain black hoodie, one he'd gotten cheap recently enough for the insides to still be mostly soft.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders looked down his nose at Hawke in that way that only tall people with long noses can manage to do with people who aren't shorter than them. "You are such a mother hen."

He shook his head slowly, trying not to flush, because he didn't need to look like even more of an idiot in front of this man (if it was in fact Hawke) as he dragged a chair closer to the fire. He hesitated over a second one, low and solid and with expensive cushions.

It was too short to be comfortable, as if it were scaled for a... dwarf. He huffed out a short laugh. "Of course." But he scooped the cushions out of it and threw them down in front of the blazing hearth. That was about as close as he could get without actually being inside it, and well... he'd had plenty of actually setting himself on fire for one day.

He folded himself down onto one of the cushions, legs bent and arms around them, trying to stop the shivering, and looked back up at Logan. He was... big. Broader than Anders had ever considered, incredibly fit. Beautiful. He looked back at the fire, flushing, whatever he'd intended to say (an invitation to join him seemed likely, but he'd probably never know now) completely gone.

[modernhawke]

"So you've said," Logan agreed, looking immensely amused by Anders' efforts to look down his nose at him.

He stuck his hands in the front pocket of his hoodie and tried not to look as awkward as he felt as he watched Anders tugging chairs around and throwing cushions on the ground. He frowned. Anders was still shivering, and his cheeks were really red and blotchy, like he was feverish or something. If he was in shock - which seemed likely, Anders was the almost-doc here after all, so if he said he was in shock, he definitely was - all that wet clothing was not helping. At all.

Logan knelt on the extra cushion next to Anders, and put a hand on his shoulder. He squeezed briefly and then reached for the hem of his hoodie.

"Take off your shirt," he said, in a tone that brooked no argument, though it was really too gentle to be called a command. He tugged his hoodie off over his head, the white t-shirt underneath riding up to expose brown skin and strong hipbones and toned abs. The shirt itself, when revealed, read 'I'M HAWKE' in blocky letters - part of a set that Varric had shipped out to everybody in the guild a while back, mostly as a joke. Everyone else's read the usual 'IF FOUND RETURN TO HAWKE'.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

The hand on Anders shoulder caused him to startle, though the heavy, broad warmth of it felt amazing. How had Logan gotten so close without him noticing? He really was out of it. But not so far gone that when Hawke's... suggestion to take off his shirt came he didn't respond, automatically, "You didn't even buy me dinner fir--"

The sight of Logan stripping off his hoodie was enough to make Anders' mouth water, and to immediately regret the ridiculous flirtatious tone. And then the rest of his brain caught up and he realized what was happening. He was probably about to be bodily stuffed inside Logan's sweatshirt when he protested.

"No, Hawke, you'll get cold, and I'm fine. It's mostly dry already because of the fire and..." He finally realized what t-shirt the other man was wearing and broke off, flush getting deeper. He wore the matching shirt almost every night to bed. It was getting ratty at the shoulder seams from so much wear and wash. Thank all that was holy he hadn't been in his pajamas when this whole... thing had started.

[modernhawke]

"You're not fine," Logan said in exasperation, his hands caught up in the mostly removed hoodie. If anything, he looked more ill and more feverish now, and while the flush did do interesting things to his face, Logan was definitely above admiring the effect while Anders was so clearly not well. He pulled his hands free and put the back of one to Anders' forehead, frowning at how clammy he felt.

"Shirt. Off." Logan gestured. He reached to tug the hem of his own shirt back into place, finally glancing down at it and remembering what he'd tossed on under the sweater. He let out a huff of laughter, because of course he would be wearing that one.

"I'll be fine. I'm not the one who's all wet. And you conveniently already started a nice blazing fire for us, so it's all good." He held out his sweater and waited with a pointedly arched brow for Anders to hand over his wet clothing, adding carelessly after a pause, "I'll buy you dinner later, if you're really that torn up about it."

Shit. Why had he said that. Why.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

The sigh Anders gave Logan was long-suffering and familiar. He'd heard it dozens of times after nagging Anders into making a sandwich before the next pull in a dungeon. Similarly, Anders knew the stubborn note in Hawke's tone and there was no chance he was going to out-mulish the man, especially when he was probably right.

"I'm going to hold you to that. Dinner and drinks." He wasn't sure when the last time he'd blushed this hard was.

It was just, in not one of Anders' fantasies about taking his shirt off in front of Logan Hawke had it ever been this strange, and this... embarrassing.

He looked away, half turning, not really wanting to present his back, but also feeling too vulnerable to be facing. He pulled open the buttons on the vest and slipped it off, tossing it into the empty chair, and then quickly ran the top few buttons of his shirt before grabbing it by the back of the neckhole and pulling it off over his head.

The wet fabric was stickier than he'd anticipated and he had to wriggle a little to get his arms out. He was lean bordering on skinny, all angles and bones and ropey muscle without any fat to hide it. He there were a few spots that white lines of scars were visible on his ribs, old and silver and faded. They could be stretch marks... that's what he told himself anyway, that no one would know what they meant when they saw them unless he told them. Especially if he kept his back angled away.

[modernhawke]

Logan smiled faintly, and just a touch smugly, at Anders' sigh. He looked down politely when Anders turned away, not wanting to make him uncomfortable, and used the moment as an excuse to actually settle down on the cushion underneath him. He shifted his legs out in front of him and then tucked one ankle behind the opposite knees, his hands falling to rest partially in his lap and partially draped over the crooked knee.

When he looked back at Anders, the man was still fighting his way out of his shirt, and Logan had a wild urge to put his hands on his back and help tug him out of it. For about half a second. Which he then squashed. The wiggling was distracting, however, and Logan couldn't help stare at the lean, pale muscle on display, and - were those...scars? He made a mental note to ask about them later.

...no, scratch that, there wasn't any universe in which Anders would feel comfortable with Logan going 'hey man, so what's that?' and poking at his ribs. Don't be a creep. Jesus. he scolded himself, swallowing hard. His cheeks darkened.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders finally reemerged from the shirt. The flush was going to become a permanent fixture of his skin he thought, as it crept down his chest. He took picked u the sweatshirt hesitantly, having to fight the urge to bury his face in it and breath in. He wanted to know what Logan smelled like.

Well, now he would get his chance, he supposed. He fluffed it open with a little flourish and then tugged it on in one swift motion. His hair bounced and flopped when his head popped through and he grimaced as he looked down. "Well. It's certainly large enough." He was swimming in it, but at least he was spared the indignity of the sleeves covering his hands like he was a child. "You said you grew up on farms, but honestly, Logan, what are they feeding you?"

His teeth nearly clicked shut at the end, because he'd meant it to be teasing, but it had come out flirty. Appreciative. A little arch. Anders flirted with absolutely everyone in the guild (except for Fenris) so it wasn't too weird, he hoped. It just felt different with Hawke right there, and as stunning as he'd turned out to be.

[modernhawke]

Logan laughed, a warm, loud soud that seemed to boom from the center of his chest. He lowered his lashes somewhat so it wouldn't look like he was admiring the way his sweater, oversized though it was, looked on Anders. That was definitely the stuff of his fantasies, right there, which he perhaps should have thought of before he handed off his hoodie. Not that he would have then retracted the offer.

He leaned back with his hands behind him. "Oh, you know. Grass-fed beef. Hearty biscuits and gravy. That sort of thing." He grinned and then shook his head self-deprecatingly. "Nah, whatever is cheap and Carver doesn't eat first, really."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"And is Carver as... developed as you are?" Anders hooked his arms around his knees, quirking an eyebrow at Logan as he smirked. He couldn't imagine what that must cost to feed.

He hunched his shoulders a little so that that he could nestle the hood up around his ears. He turned his head, resting his face on his shoulder, and peered over at Hawke. This had the added benefit of being able to breath in the scent of Logan's soap without looking like a complete weirdo by sniffing the sweatshirt he'd just been forced to wear.

[modernhawke]

"He - hrr - erm - eh," Logan sputtered. Was Anders seriously asking him about how ripped his brother was? Seriously? He wasn't sure whether to be flattered at the obvious compliment of himself or jealous that Anders cared what Carver looked like, so he settled for a weird, confused, stammering mix of both emotions. "Yees? Well, more probably, but barely, and don't you dare tell him I said so. I'm taller though," he said, with some superiority. This had clearly been a talking point at his house.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders blinked at Logan's sudden consternation. What had he... oh. Oh, no. "No. I mean, yes, er no I won't tell him, but I'm not-- I'm not asking about your brother."

He snorted and muttered, "Besides, if I've ever heard a straighter voice over a headset than Carver's I'll eat my vest."

Anders shot Hawke a sidelong look, trying to hold in the sigh. He'd already freaked Logan out with talk of kissing him, and now he'd made him think he was interested to Anders of all people, and there wasn't a ladder tall enough to get him out of this hole he'd dug. It was humiliating. The one thing he would have given anything to have happen, meet Hawke in person, and he was being a complete idiot.

Extenuating circumstances maybe, but still.

[modernhawke]

Logan said, "Oh," and held in a sigh of relief, because that would have been WAY obvious. He shot Anders a small smile instead.

At the muttered comment, though, Logan scrunched up his nose in agreement and exhaled noisily and said, "Well, at least one of us is."

His blue eyes widened when that came out and he caught his breath and froze. Well. Well, shit.

(OOC: Okay I think I've come up with a reason why Bethany isn't really talked about much - she's obviously the smart one and got a full-ride scholarship and is off at college somewhere and not actually living with Logan like Leandra and Carver. ALSO. Going with the assumption that Logan hasn't actually told Anders he's gay? Since he doesn't talk about it really.)

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders had always wondered, but to hear it confirmed... did that make it better? Or worse? Better because there was a chance, or could have been... worse because if Logan was interested in Anders it would have come up by now.

He watched Logan with a slight, crooked smile, eyes a little sad. "You know it doesn't bother me, right? I mean I'm--" He shifted, looking back at the fire. "I volunteer at the queer student union. Big old bi-guy here." He tensed, waiting for Logan's to be weird about that, if he was going to be patronizing or act like he was actually straight, or just gross.

[modernhawke]

"You're - you're... oh."

What had he been expecting? After that wet dream comment? Straight guys didn't say shit like that. Some of them did flirt with everything on two legs, true, but it was mostly in a mocking way when it came to other men, as if even that had to prove how secure they were in their heterosexuality, and that wasn't ever how Anders had come across.

But Logan hadn't wanted to assume, had in fact been afraid to assume. It was easier to believe that Anders was straight and Logan had never had any chance with him than to admit that the possibility was there and Anders simply had never been interested.

He looked down, picking at a loose thread at the hem of his t-shirt, unable to meet Anders' gaze. It hurt, way fucking more than it should have, to hear what he might have had confirmed, a heavy sort of choking feeling that made thinking difficult and his limbs feel wooden. If he'd ever been able to pretend his feelings for Anders were superficial, that lie was gone now, ripped out from underneath him like a rug, his last vestige of support torn away.

"I mean, I wanted - I wished," he began, hardly aware of what he was saying for the pounding in his chest. I'm in love with him. I've been in love with him for forever. "Well. It doesn't matter now." He swallowed thickly. "That's...cool, Anders. It's cool."

It was most certainly not cool.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"If I'd known my biphobia-is-bad lecture was going to be required, I would have packed that. Along with my robe and wizard hat," Anders muttered sharply, raking his hands through his hair. He grabbed his shirt and shook it out, frustrated that it wasn't dry, hands almost shaking he was so angry.

He'd had plenty of guys be disappointed or repulsed when he'd explained it, but he really hadn't thought Logan would be one of them. And he sounded so dejected at the idea, like now that it was confirmed they wouldn't even be friends anymore? Well fucking done, Anders.

And of all the asinine things to be worried about while they were sitting in a castle and had apparently developed magical powers, he was thinking about how the man he'd been secretly pining over for ages, was a gold-star-gay bigot. He snorted a harsh, near-laugh, and shook his head.

[modernhawke]

The bitter laugh and Anders' comment were enough to cut through the fog of self-centered wallowing and grief and the voice nagging Holy shit, you really fucked up this time, Hawke, falling so badly for a friend who never wanted you - that's a new low, that's worse than driving off the only other man you loved because you were a fucking coward, that's - jesus, how desperate are you, anyways.

He shook his head, startled out of it. "What?" he said hoarsely, staring at Anders with wide blue eyes. "What? No, fuck, Anders, that's not what I-" He covered his face with his hands and slumped, groaning. "Shit. I am an asshole."

He could have kicked himself. Should, probably. "Look, you're bi, I'm gay, we're all queer here. At least you're, you know, out and helping other people with it. I'm, jesus, I'm 24 years old and I'm still hiding it from my mother."

His cheeks darkened. Great. Let's just spill all his embarrassing secrets about how absolutely he failed at everything. Why not.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

That made Anders blink, both the explanation and the admission he wasn't out at home, and he winced slightly at his own jumping to the worst possible conclusion. "But you seemed upset?" He tilted his head, eyes worried.

"And hey, Logan, not everybody can come out all at once, you know? It isn't always safe, and... not that I know anything about your mother, but..." He shrugged. "Don't doubt yourself for doing what's right for you."

He reached out a tentative hand and touched Hawke's bare forearm, just a light squeeze. He wasn't sure if that would be welcome or... but he was upset now, and Anders had been an ass because he was scared, and heart-sore, and none of this made any sense at all.

[modernhawke]

Logan stared down at Anders' hand as he touched him, watching him squeeze his arm and then pull away, and when Anders' hand was gone, Logan reached and touched the skin he'd just touched greedily, wonderingly. He hugged his arms to himself to cover the motion. Anders had been worried about him being cold. He could just play it off as that. Yeah.

"I - it wasn't about the bi thing," he mumbled, vaguely, watching the flames, and then changed the subject.

"My mom's not that bad. It's just, after Dad died, she couldn't stay on the farm anymore, not without him, so when Carver and Bethany graduated, she and Carver moved in with me. And they're still...living with me." He glanced at Anders. "I don't mind, really; I can look after her better this way, and Beth has someplace to come when she's on break where we all are, but she keeps trying to - to hook me up with girls as a thank-you, or...something? And I just, I don't really want to have to come out while she's still living with me, because it's going to be awkward and messy and she's going to cry about the no grandbabies from me and it's just...it'll be better when she's settled enough to be back on her own, and I've got some distance, and...yeah."

"I mean, it's not like three, four years ago when I was working with all those super straight farmhands - that wouldn't have been safe, like you said. So Varric thinks I'm just putting it off, now. And maybe he's right, I don't know."