RP: Logan Hawke (NSFW down below)

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"Not real. Having a nervous breakdown. And that's fine. It'll be completely fine." Anders felt like he weighed an extra thirty pounds, which wasn't far wrong with how much pond water his clothes had absorbed. He shivered as he approached the looming archway slowly, eyes wide.

The stone felt so real, the grit of mortar flaking under his fingernail, and he trailed his hand along it as he climbed a set of stairs up onto what were... walls. Battlements? The crenelations were the... castle-shaped things at the top?

He'd been playing fantasy games for years and he had no bloody idea.

It was colder as the wind whistled over him, and he huddled, arms going around himself. "Maker save me, I'm going to freeze to death in a hallucination." He kept walking, trying to chafe warmth back into his skin.

The tingling was uncomfortable, like pins and needles, but hot, and trying to get out, which wasn't exactly how he'd ever heard hypothermia described before, so that was a relief. He had to stop and lean against the wall as a violent shudder overtook him.

All of a sudden he was hot, far too hot and he held his hands away from his face, watching his clothes send curls of steam into the air. "Well, fantastic. My fucking fingers are on fire." He just stared in fascination at the licks of yellow-orange flames that limned his hands.

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[modernhawke]

Logan scooted back, away from Anders' reach, although with a remorseful expression that made it look like the action physically pained him. He shook his head, blue eyes wide. "Don't. I don't want to hurt you." He gave his hand a black look, fear and frustration and anger bleeding through him, and slumped, cradling his hand to his chest as if that would shield Anders from it.

He took a deep breath, ground his teeth together, breathed again. "Fine, I'm fine," he muttered, trying to shove his magic and his rage, all together, back down inside him and seal it away tightly. This was...this was a problem. In game, he'd always had such mastery of his magic, but here? Here it was bound to his emotions so tightly he was afraid he would burst with it. And wasn't that ironic. All that anger he'd thought he'd gotten so good at keeping to himself, anger at himself for abandoning his family when they needed him, anger at his mom for blaming him for his dad's death, anger at Rowan for all his shit, anger at all the conservative assholes he'd worked for and worked with over the years, anger at himself for never being able to just...be who he really was. And now for Anders' sake...

There was so much anger in him - he was practically boiling with it. It was no wonder Varric had never seen fit to tell Logan that he had Anders right within his reach. He was a toxic, bleeding mess, and now physically dangerous as well. Wasn't that just grand. He gave a short, bitter laugh.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

The expression that Logan wore as he pushed away made Anders flinch, and then his mouth set into a steady line, eyes narrowing just a touch. "You're bloody not fine," he said sharply, moving onto the bed with clear intent. His eyes studied Logan, trying to figure out what had happened... what he had done.

He sat down, with a leg curled underneath him, and the other on the floor. He wanted to touch Logan, but if he didn't want that, he wouldn't press. He wasn't going to force anything on him. "Logan, please, talk to me." His voice turned soft, worried, almost pleading. "Did I do something?"

His mind worked furiously, ticking off the last few minutes, between mind-blowing orgasms and sudden withdrawn rejection of his touch. He hadn't seen what had sparked... his back had been to Logan, and... oh.

"Oh." He turned away, scrambling to find his mostly dry button down in the pile of clothing, hands shaking as he struggled to right it so he could pull it on.

[modernhawke]

Logan shook his head forcefully, hugging both arms to his chest now, ignoring the mess still on his one hand. "No, not you, love, it's - it's me, I..." He bit his bottom lip hard, closing his eyes, still trying to tame the wild, dangerous emotions and magic coursing through his veins.

He opened them again at Anders' soft 'oh' and then seeing him fumbling for his shirt made him feel like he was choking, choking on his own stupidity and fears and old, old anger. His heart ached, and without conscious thought he was reaching for Anders again, trying to take the shirt from his hands.

"Anders - don't - you don't have to hide, I - I'm sorry, I-" Stupid. Stupid. God, he was an idiot, seeing Anders' scars, and then making his intense emotional reaction all about him when it was Anders who had been hurt, not him. Logan looked down and noticed how close he was to Anders again, hand just an inch or two from Anders' wrist, and he flinched and pulled away again, not confident in his ability to control himself.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"It makes people uncomfortable. I know. I should have... said something. I didn't think. They're old, and I forget, and..." Anders swallowed hard once Logan had flinched away from him again, looking ill. He tugged the shirt on, jaw working, before he looked carefully at Logan, his misery.

"I'm sorry, Logan." He worked on buttoning the shirt. "I should have warned you. And before you ask, you don't have to worry, I didn't get them from being into 'kinky shit'." He forced his tone to be light, his smile a little stiff, but earnest as he looked at Logan. He extended a hand carefully onto the bed, an inch or two away from Logan's hip, but didn't try to touch him.

Had it really been his last attempt at a boyfriend who'd said that? He rubbed at his eyes, grimacing, trying to fight back the sting of tears and thinking about that disaster and a half, the disgust and discomfort, layered under a bad joke about spanking Anders and being called daddy. He raked his other hand through his hair.

[modernhawke]

Logan rubbed at his jaw. He should stop, should let him think disgust was all this was - it would be safer that way, with Anders away from his volatile temper and utter fucking inability to be what anybody deserved. There was Rowan's voice, laughing and taunting in his head: C'mon, baby, I thought you loved me? Why you gotta hide it? and then there was Anders, looking sick and unhappy and trying to hide it, and he deserved better than Logan and all his fuck-ups, but Logan was as selfish as he was angry and he couldn't stand that look on Anders' face.

"Not...uncomfortable," he muttered, forcing himself to look Anders in the eye. "They don't make me uncomfortable, Anders. They make me enraged. I told you I'm-" he gave that bitter, short laugh again, "- I'm an angry person." His hand moved towards Anders, fell back in his lap. "Who did this to you?" he asked, voice going soft, and then he closed his eyes and shook his head. "No, never mind, fuck. You don't have to tell me. You don't have to talk about it."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders had gotten used to different reactions. Pity, disbelief, disgust, a general impersonal discomfort. He'd had a very few people hear the story, see the scars, and their reaction had been understanding. Anger on his behalf wasn't something Anders was used to. He met Logan's eyes with brows arched in surprise, lips parted and then swallowed when Logan asked and immediately recanted his question.

"I'll tell you," he answered quietly. "But you have to hold my hand while I do it." His smile was shaky, but less wooden as he watched Logan's face. It was an old hurt, and he could usually talk about it just fine, but he if Logan wouldn't touch him, he wasn't going to be able to make it through.

[modernhawke]

Logan flexed his fingers and looked down at his hand, then back up at Anders' face.

"All right," he said, wary but also wanting. "But if I start feeling like I'm going to set your hair on fire, I'm going to let go, okay?" He blew out a breath and gestured. "This - the fire and lightning especially - seem to be tied to my emotions. I'm normally better at keeping it together, but then I'm not normally able to set things on fire with my mind. So."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"Since I prefer not to lose any of my hair, I can accept those terms." Anders reached out slowly, but without wariness, just trying not to make Logan any jumpier than he was, and slid his hand carefully into his. His other hand, he grabbed up the towel he'd discarded and handed it to Logan. "Just in case you wanted to get rid of all that mess I left you with."

He took a deep breath, twitching the front line of buttons on his shirt, and then looked over, brown eyes sad, a little bitter, but mostly just resigned. "Have you ever heard of those parents that use biblical discipline?" His lower lip pouted slightly as he chewed the inside. "Like it's some sort of parenting trend? That was my father, ages before it was cool."

[modernhawke]

Logan brushed at the drying mess with the towel in his free hand, which helped somewhat, but not entirely, and then wrinkled his nose and dropped the towel on the bed beside him. He squeezed Anders' hand and then started rubbing his thumb in broad circles over Anders' knuckles.

"A little," he said. "My mom was pretty religious. My dad, not so much. They started trying to make us go to church when we finally settled in Lothering. Three years of that was about enough for me; all that 'man shall not lie with man' shit and I pretty effectively tuned them out. Caught a few buzz words and ideas, which I've done my best to forget."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"Every once in a while you'll hear about them on the news, the extreme ones. I can't remember what the name of the book is, but it's a play on the old 'spare the rod and spoil the child' but that was my father's manual. And he certainly didn't spare the rod." Anders shrugged his shoulders weakly, rolling them, feeling the pull in the scars that was so old he barely felt it anymore.

"Change camp came when I was very young, only twelve I think. I was never very good at hiding. And my father was a mean sack of shit who was suspicious of everything." Anders shrugged again. "I ran away. He caned me." He gestured to his back, the now hidden scars. "I ran away again. His house burned down. I got put in the foster system. I ran away a lot from situations that were bad, and ones that were probably better than I deserved"

[modernhawke]

Logan tried hard to keep a neutral expression on his face as he listened, but his blue eyes glittered coldly the longer Anders went on, his jaw clenching.

"Change camp?" he asked in disbelief, a growl in his voice, his hand tightening around Anders'. He flinched at Anders' last statement, about what he deserved, not able to come up with a good rebuttal against that except a wordless noise of objection. His eyes fastened on Anders', indignant.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders shifted to put a hand on Logan's knee, fingers stroking in a soothing circle. "Camp. Yeah. That sucked. I guess it didn't stick though. " He shrugged smile lopsided and a little shaky.

"Some of the foster families were terrible. Others were good people who I refused to be civil to." He ducked his head. "I was angry and scared and even though I was loud about being out and queer... I still believed a lot of the shit my dad wanted me to think about myself. "

He sighed heavily. "I wanted to run away from anyone I could disappoint just as badly as I wanted to get away from the people who might hurt me.

[modernhawke]

Logan shifted closer, the need to be near Anders overwhelming his fear of hurting him. He stretched out with his other hand, hesitated, then continued, cupping Anders' cheek and lifting his head slightly. The tips of his fingers combed through the hair above Anders' eat.

He wanted to pull him to his chest or into his lap or something, but he wasn't sure that was allowed. Or safe, for that matter. He licked his lips like he might say something and then settled for a small nod, his eyes intent and gentle on Anders' face.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Some of then tension in Anders' shoulders fled when Logan touched his face and he hummed softly as he pressed into the touch.

His eyes were still concerned, but they weren't worried in the same way. "I promise it wasn't something I was hiding from you, Logan. I just didn't want it to be up for discussion by the whole guild. " He wet his lips, some of the worry welling back. "I wasn't a very good person? I think Varric probably has more details than I'm usually comfortable with, and maybe that's why he never said we you were so close by."

He cleared the sudden thickness in his throat.

[modernhawke]

Logan kept up with the gentle petting of his fingers through Anders' hair, his head tilting. "I didn't think you were hiding it from me, love, and even if I had - well. It's not like you had to tell me right away. It's okay."

His expression changed when Anders grew worried again, going tight and closing off slightly. He pulled his hand away and sat back, though he didn't pull away from the hand Anders was still holding.

"Or maybe he thought it was in your best interest, after all the shit you've been through, to keep you away from the volatile closeted guy with some unaddressed anger issues," he muttered, staring down at his lap, frustration and self-loathing tangling together in the set of his mouth and the crease in his brow.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"Logan." Anders felt like his heart was breaking. Was this the way it ended already for them? Hawke convinced that he was poison because he'd been mad that somebody hurt someone he cared about. He shifted until he was kneeling up, creeping an inch closer. "I want to hug you but I don't want to upset you. Can I? Please, love?"

[modernhawke]

Logan looked up with some surprise, his brow furrowing, the desolate look on Anders' face feeling like a hand had reached inside his chest and gripped his heart hard. He gave a flex of his fingers and nodded.

"Yeah - yeah, of course. I'm not going to singe you right now, I don't think." He smiled weakly.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders tumbled into his lap in his haste to get his arms around Logan. He was trembling as he wrapped them around his neck, drawing him into a tight hug, one hand cupping the back of Logan's head.

It was both comforting, and seeking comfort and Anders was probably going to strangle Logan if he didn't get hugged back. "It doesn't make you bad to want to protect people you love, Logan."

[modernhawke]

Logan rocked back slightly as Anders tumbled into him, letting out a grunt, but his strong arms came up to wrap around Anders in return firmly. He wanted to believe him, did believe him really, but it didn't make anything totally better, didn't erase the voice inside his head telling him Anders deserved so much more than Logan was capable of giving him.

"You're shaking," he whispered, hugging Anders tighter.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"I just want you to know that whatever you need, Logan, I'm... I'm here for you." Anders was trying not to cry, whispering as well to hide the wavering in his voice. "If it's too much, if I-- my past makes you too angry--" He had to breathe for a minute before he could continue. "I understand."

He hugged Logan tighter, kissed the side of his head, and then drew back slightly. "You wouldn't be the first person in my life to decide it was more than they wanted to take on." His eyes were fixed in the middle of Logan's chest, staring at a freckle he hadn't even got to kiss. He chanced a glance up at his eyes. "And you have to do what's right for you."

[modernhawke]

"Anders..." Logan's voice cracked. "I don't - I don't care about your past, it doesn't scare me or make me want you any less, or - whatever." He pressed the heel of one hand to his eye. "Ugh. I don't - I don't know. I just, I shouldn't - there's so much about me that you deserve better than, but what I want?"

He let go of Anders' waist to frame his face gently with both hands, and said, "The only thing I've wanted for a long time is you."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders brows were drawn together in confusion for a moment as Logan spoke. He opened his mouth to protest about what he deserved but Logan's hands gently coming to both sides of his face made him falter, and flush as he listened further.

"Then you let me worry about what I deserve. Because I want you." He ran his tongue over his lower lip and then smiled, lopsided. "I'll stop assuming you're going to break up with me because I'm a pain in the ass. You can trust that I see your worth even if you worry it isn't there, okay?"

[modernhawke]

Logan dragged in a deep, shuddering breath and closed his eyes for a moment. This was what he had wanted; it was actually infinitely more than he had ever dreamed it could be, with Anders talking about his worth and being with him even though he was still hiding, from his mother, from his anger, from himself. He would be damned if he was going to let it slip through his fingers right as soon as he'd gotten it, just because he was afraid.

"Okay," he whispered. He opened his eyes and offered Anders a small, tentative smile. "Okay, love."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders answering smile when Logan opened his eyes was warm and hopeful, and it bloomed brighter eyes gleaming, when Hawke agreed. He leaned forward to kiss Logan's forehead and then his nose. "Thank you." He rested their foreheads together for a moment, eyes closing.

He was practically melting with relief, trying not to show how scared he'd been that Logan was going to break up with him because he was a pain in the ass.

[modernhawke]

Logan hummed, felt his heart full to bursting again with how happy Anders looked when he opened his eyes.

He smoothed his hands down over Anders' back, wrinkling the shirt he'd put back on a ridiculous amount, probably, and then finally let himself feel all the fear of losing Anders' he'd been shoving down while convincing himself he should lose him. He dragged Anders tight to his chest and wrapped him in his arms.

"Like I'm selfless enough to let you go so easily now I have you," he said, and the self condemnation in his voice was teasing now, lighter.