RP: Logan Hawke (NSFW down below)

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"Not real. Having a nervous breakdown. And that's fine. It'll be completely fine." Anders felt like he weighed an extra thirty pounds, which wasn't far wrong with how much pond water his clothes had absorbed. He shivered as he approached the looming archway slowly, eyes wide.

The stone felt so real, the grit of mortar flaking under his fingernail, and he trailed his hand along it as he climbed a set of stairs up onto what were... walls. Battlements? The crenelations were the... castle-shaped things at the top?

He'd been playing fantasy games for years and he had no bloody idea.

It was colder as the wind whistled over him, and he huddled, arms going around himself. "Maker save me, I'm going to freeze to death in a hallucination." He kept walking, trying to chafe warmth back into his skin.

The tingling was uncomfortable, like pins and needles, but hot, and trying to get out, which wasn't exactly how he'd ever heard hypothermia described before, so that was a relief. He had to stop and lean against the wall as a violent shudder overtook him.

All of a sudden he was hot, far too hot and he held his hands away from his face, watching his clothes send curls of steam into the air. "Well, fantastic. My fucking fingers are on fire." He just stared in fascination at the licks of yellow-orange flames that limned his hands.

Comments

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders was looking at the heraldry near the throne, free hand worrying his lower lip when Logan spoke again, and he blinked and looked at him. His color was better, less pale and waxy now, so when he blushed it didn't make him look so feverish.

"What? No, I-- why?" He shook his head, trying to take the reins of his thoughts again and say something that wasn't going to make him look like a bigger bloody idiot than he did already. He gathered up his sweater, vest and shirt in one hand, and then finally looked back at Hawke.

"Love, you could be a Fade spirit for all I know." Anders smirked as he referenced the mythology of the game they'd been playing together for so long. "I could wake up in my bed tomorrow and this could have been a dream, or a caffeine related meltdown. I could have had a surprise brain tumor and be currently lying in a hospital."

His voice started to tremble as he drew closer to Logan. "All I know is that out of all the insane explanations for what is happening, actual magical transportation for the two of us, actual uses is dead last on that list. I want this to be real." He brought Logan's knuckles to his lips, pressed a kiss to the back of his hand. "But I'm not going to waste the opportunity acting like I get to have you forever, when it could end with every blink of the eye."

[modernhawke]

There was a complicated wealth of emotions on Logan's face as he stared at him, too many for even Logan to quite register them all. The phrase 'brain tumor' made him clutch desperately at Anders' hand, a ready denial on his lips, because that couldn't be what was happening, it couldn't, not if Logan was here too, and he refused to even think about it. He couldn't deny Anders' reasoning, because none of this made any sense at all, and how could they know if it would last or even if they would remember it.

All he knew was that the thought of losing Anders again, forgetting what they had found here, the feel of Anders' lips under his own and the warm, blinding happiness of being wanted back...the very idea of not getting to keep this was enough to nearly send him into a blind panic.

He let out a choking nose and clung to Anders' hand more tightly. He couldn't speak around the lump in his throat and settled for shaking his head wildly, vehemently, denial writ large in his wide eyes.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Shit. Anders could see the near-panic in Logan, his mute, blind headshake, and the way he clutched at his hand painful-tight. Fuck. He'd done that trying to be practical, trying to keep himself buffered just a little bit from the "what if this never happened, and you let yourself believe you got it" reality that was his miserable life.

He didn't get good things, and one way or the other, that had almost always been true. And here, while trying to prepare himself for that truth... well he was a self-fulfilling prophecy of fucking up, wasn't he?

Anders gripped the back of Logan's neck with his free hand and brought their foreheads together gently. "Hey, Hawke, come on, breathe, it's okay. Remember the promise? You wake up in your own bed alone tomorrow, you find me, alright? And I swear to god, I'll do the same." Even if it wasn't real, this had convinced him Logan at least deserved his honesty, and if his loneliness and desire were figments that Anders had constructed...

Well, his kindness wasn't, and Anders would just have to trust that he wouldn't get /gkicked for talking about feelings.

[modernhawke]

Logan nodded mutely and took a few deep breaths, his hand reaching for Anders' neck in a mirroring motion. He closed his eyes, brushed his thumb through the short hair on Anders' nape, tried to focus on the realness of it, no matter how little sense it made.

"All right," he said, his voice shaking. "All right. I can do that." He tilted his head slightly, the motion effecting a slow drag of his brow against Anders' forehead, and was silent for a long time, just breathing.

When he spoke again, his voice was steadier, but desperate. "I can't go back to a world where you don't want me, Anders. I can't."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders hummed softly. "Well, good luck for you, you won't have to." He tipped his head so that he could run his nose along Logan's, eyes closed. He was still stunned at how real this all felt. Could he have actually gotten it so wrong all these months, that Logan had this well of love and affection for him, when all Anders thought he'd felt was friendship?

Whatever it was, it felt real, and amazing, and Anders was going to hold onto it as tightly as he could for however long he could. He opened his eyes, smiling at Logan. "Ready to look for someplace more comfortable to make-out?" His smile cracked wider into a cheeky grin with a quirked eyebrow, eyes glinting heated and amber.

[modernhawke]

Logan leaned forward abruptly and pressed his lips to Anders' - a rather chaste kiss, all things considered, but one that lingered.

He pulled back to smile, tentatively at first, but his smile widened the longer he looked at Anders.

"Yeah. Let's - yeah."

God, he wanted so much, so badly. It scared him, the more because that carefully constructed wall was shattered, the one he'd built over the years to protect himself by repeated denial that there was even a possibility that he could have anything with the man he loved. There was nothing to hide behind anymore, and consequently nothing to shield him, and if this went wrong or was a lie or any number of possibilities, he wasn't really sure he could handle it.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders made a soft, surprised noise at the kiss, but kissed back immediately. He was having a hard time remembering that it was a good idea to go someplace else to keep kissing. He let Logan withdraw though, and smiled back, though the intent attention made him flush.

He laced his fingers back with Logan's and tugged him toward the closest door. Beyond was a rotunda that had recently been rather a lot on fire. "That's worrying." The smell of char was still strong, and he cast Logan a worried glance. Maybe it wasn't an abandoned castle after all?

[modernhawke]

Logan frowned, studying the room. It looked like some kind of battle had happened here - there was blood on the floor, and over by a pile of broken beams near one wall. At Anders' worried glance, though, he squeezed his hand and offered a reckless grin.

He looked down at his free hand and felt for the edges of that weird magic core inside him, squeezed his eyes shut in concentration, and then his hand and midway up his forearm was stone, and arcing between his stone fingers was a tiny ball of flickering lightning.

He flicked his fingers outwards and the lightning disappeared as the stone drew in on itself.

"Not that worrying, love," he said, with somewhat more confidence than he felt.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders watched the display of Logan's magic with wide eyes. "Wow. That's... weirdly hot." He grinned and craned his neck to look up the narrow tower. "So, up? Or back? Or that other door?" He found it easy to fall back into the simple role of following Logan's instincts.

It was a little weird, wasn't it, to expect him to choose when this was all... real? But it was also weirdly familiar.

[modernhawke]

Well, this was familiar. "Right, right, stick the combat mage out front why don't we. Gotta keep the precious healer in the back," he complained, a mix of his usual whinging and a warm sort of almost-flirting because yes, definitely keep the healer in the back, and not just because everyone else needed him but because this time it was Anders' real hand in his and Logan found he didn't mind the whole choosing and leading thing very much at all.

He directed his thoughts away from the heat climbing up the back of his neck at Anders' 'weirdly hot' comment, and considered their options. "That looks like a library, of a sort," he said, eyeing the space above them. "So unless you want to do it against a bookcase---" he cleared his throat and wow, that comment did not help how warm he already felt, nope, not at all, "I say we take the other door," he finished all in a rush.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"If you bothered to develop a ranged spec worth anything I wouldn't have to--" Anders snorted and broke off from his usual rant about how glass cannon mages did not belong wrapped in rock armor and taking on swarms of mobs at melee range. He rolled his eyes and then choked softly at Logan's comment.

He tilted his head, shoulders shaking with quiet laughter as he let Logan pull him toward the other door. "Do it? What are we going to do against a bookcase, Logan?" He was grinning widely as they stepped back out onto the battlements. "Because now I'm imagining everything we could do against a sturdy medieval shelving installation, and it's very distracting, so if you could narrow it down..."

[modernhawke]

Logan shook his head vigorously, the heat spreading throughout his body now visible in the way his cheeks were just the slightest bit darker than usual and his ears were reddening, his palm in Anders' gone sweaty.

"Nope. Nope. You are going to forget I ever said that."

He wiggled the fingers of his free hand in a Ben Kenobi motion and intoned, "That was not the thought you were looking for."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders laughter was delighted and a bit dirty. "Oh, love, you are so wrong about that. I'm going to cherish this thought always. Every time I see a bookshelf, I'll think, 'hmm, what would Logan do to me against that one' and I spend a lot of time in the library." He crowded in and stole a kiss, eyes twinkling merrily.

The walk across the battlement to the tower beyond was oddly still. At this height there should be wind or weather of any kind, but the roiling clouds and unsettling quality of the light aside, it was like being inside an overturned bowl.

(OOC: Man, as much as I think it would be hilarious if they made out in Cullen's bed, I really need to go to sleep. I'll be around more tomorrow. :) )

[modernhawke]

Logan groaned loudly and was about to cover his eyes with his hand when Anders stepped close and kissed him. He let out a noise of surprise but kissed back eagerly, and when Anders pulled away Logan reached up and tugged at his hoodie's drawstrings.

"You're terrible," he said, with mock-mournfulness clearly undone by the fact that he couldn't stop smiling.

He wrenched open the heavy door to the tower when they came to it and held it open for Anders. Inside, the...office? seemed particularly tidy in comparison to the charred rotunda they had just come from, and the questionable looking ladder to a second floor seemed a little out of place.

"Oh, great," he said, looking around. "More bookcases." He flushed again.

(OOC: O.o I did not think of that but now I am definitely thinking of it and am definitely kind of down for it. I should sleep too, though. See you tomorrow!)

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders peered around, lifting a hand and setting several candles and lamps around the room alight with a soft pop. "Mmm, bookcases." He grinned at Logan and went to one, scanning the spines to see if he could read the titles.

Boring, boring, military history, an almanac. His finger stopped on the sign of one and his smile fled, color draining from his face. "Hawke. Hawke, do you remember the name of the questgiver NPC outside the Temple of Sacred Ashes instance?" It was one of Anders' least favorite dungeons because of the weird religious riddle game in the middle. One time he'd aggroed the whole lot of ghosts at once, then laughed like a maniac while he healed the party just fine from the ensuing chaos while Aveline bellowed at him.

[modernhawke]

Logan shook his head at Anders and went to rifle through the desk drawers as Anders read the spines.

"Uhh..." He straightened, scratching his head. "That one religious scholar, right? Brother... Genitian, Gen-- oh, Genitivi, I think? Why?"

He pulled a few pieces of parchment out of the drawer he had open - letters, from the looks of them - and scanned over their contents. Then he stopped, frowned, read the salutation again. "Huh."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders tugged the book off the shelf and took it to Hawke, holding it out. The cover was titled, Thedas: Myths and Legends by Ferdinand Genitivi. He dropped it on the desk and flipped it open. It wasn't a mock-up, the book was full of text, easily legible, if old-fashioned printing, and engraved illustrations.

"What the hell is going on?" Anders was pale, looking up at Logan's face, the frown. "What is it?"

[modernhawke]

The book was, Logan had to admit, rather beautiful, even if its very existence strained credulity. He flipped the pages in his hand so their lines of handrwriting faced Anders and handed them over. They were all addressed to a Cullen, and signed by someone named Mia.

"Remember that templar npc, the one that wanted you to wipe out all the mages in Kinloch Hold? Noodly-haired fellow. Wasn't his name Cullen?"

He remembered that one because he'd reappeared several times, always spouting on about how mages weren't human. Logan occasionally amused himself by shooting lightning at him whenever possible, not that it ever did anything except make Aveline nag him to stop acting like a child.

The fear and hate of an entire group of people just for being born, even if it was just a silly in-game thing prejudice, had always made him a little sick. It struck too close to home.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders nostrils flared slightly at the mention, and he nodded as he flipped through the pages, lower lip pouting out just a hair as he chewed on the inside of it. "What an utter fucking prat. 'Since you've returned to Ferelden from Kirkwall'," he murmured before turning the page. "And this one expressly mentions the Templar and the fucking Chantry."

He dropped the letters back on the desk and ran both of his hands through his hair. This seemed like further evidence they - or he rather - was trapped in a hallucination, a nightmare, cobbled together from his two great obsessions: Logan Hawke and the fucking MMO they played together. His hands were shaking and he folded them tightly, scowling at the desk. "How about I set this whole lot on fire, and we go back to not knowing anything about what was going on and looking for someplace to kiss more?"

[modernhawke]

Logan wrinkled his nose in agreement and his lips curved at Anders' obvious dislike of the man. He gave him a fond look.

"To be fair," he said thoughtfully, much less perturbed, "the fact that you are capable of setting all of it on fire with your mind was a pretty good indicator that wherever we are is somehow related to the game already." He wiggled his fingers meaningfully to indicate that lightning he'd summoned earlier as more proof. Then he noticed the shaking of Anders' hands and stepped closer to him, covering them with his own. "Also, I'm pretty confident I'm real, and you're pretty confident you're real, even if the fact that we're actually together is pretty damn unlikely, and if we're both self-aware, this can't be a dream, right?"

He reached out to cup Anders' cheek. "All right?"

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders' expression shifted as his eyes moved from the desk to Logan, worry lines softening as his hand touched his cheek. He closed his eyes, nodding into the cupped hand with a little huff of a sigh. "Yes. Okay, that actually make sense." Unless the brain tumor thing were true and anything could make sense, he supposed, but the last time he'd said anything remotely like that Logan had nearly hyperventilated so he swallowed the pessimistic snark.

The things he'd do for love.

His lips quirked into a fond smile as he opened his eyes. "Always with your level head, love. This is why you're the leader." He glanced back down at the table with a fainter frown than before. "So, leader, where will you lead us now?"

[modernhawke]

Logan shook his head, lips quirking. "And here I thought it was just 'cause my mage has a fantastic ass. Isabela goes on about it often enough."

He leaned forward and kissed Anders' forehead.

"Well, we got two options - we can see what's up the peculiarly rickety ladder, or move out of what is most probably Cullen's office."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"Well, your real life ass is so superior I can't even remember what your character's ass looked like." Anders stole a kiss before Logan could escape after bussing his forehead, smirking, eyes watching for the signs he had flustered him before turning away to hmm at the ladder.

"You know if Cullen's bed is up there or something, I'm going to piss in it, right? I mean, that's a thing that's going to happen. So, maybe, assuming he's an important mage-hater around these parts we skip it?" The idea that there might be other people actually here, and that they were in some Chantry or Templar stronghold, two apostates who had just magically learned how to do... magic. He rubbed his forehead, the mirth dying. "Seriously though, lets stay away from the 'mages aren't people' Templars, huh?"

[modernhawke]

Logan's dismissive pfft was quickly swallowed by Anders' kiss, and when Anders pulled back he looked a little dazed. He licked his lips. "Right. Uhm. If you, uh, say so, love."

He gave a hum of agreement, wrinkling his nose. "Yeah, that's - let's keep moving." He took Anders' hand and tugged him towards one of the doorways, and then drew up short.

"On second thought..." he went back to the desk and replaced the letters carefully where he'd found them, and then placed Genitivi's book back on the shelf. Any place where Cullen was not only real but apparently some kind of commander big enough to get his own tower was probably not in their best interests to disturb.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders smiled fondly at Logan as he moved to return the book and letters to their places, and then laced their fingers together automatically before moving back out onto the battlements.

He paused at the outer side of the rampart, leaning out past the crenelation with a low whistle as he looked down. Nothing, nothing, nothing and more nothing. His eyes were wide and a little wild as he glanced around. "Holy shit."