RP: Logan Hawke (NSFW down below)

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"Not real. Having a nervous breakdown. And that's fine. It'll be completely fine." Anders felt like he weighed an extra thirty pounds, which wasn't far wrong with how much pond water his clothes had absorbed. He shivered as he approached the looming archway slowly, eyes wide.

The stone felt so real, the grit of mortar flaking under his fingernail, and he trailed his hand along it as he climbed a set of stairs up onto what were... walls. Battlements? The crenelations were the... castle-shaped things at the top?

He'd been playing fantasy games for years and he had no bloody idea.

It was colder as the wind whistled over him, and he huddled, arms going around himself. "Maker save me, I'm going to freeze to death in a hallucination." He kept walking, trying to chafe warmth back into his skin.

The tingling was uncomfortable, like pins and needles, but hot, and trying to get out, which wasn't exactly how he'd ever heard hypothermia described before, so that was a relief. He had to stop and lean against the wall as a violent shudder overtook him.

All of a sudden he was hot, far too hot and he held his hands away from his face, watching his clothes send curls of steam into the air. "Well, fantastic. My fucking fingers are on fire." He just stared in fascination at the licks of yellow-orange flames that limned his hands.

Comments

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders nostrils flared slightly at the mention, and he nodded as he flipped through the pages, lower lip pouting out just a hair as he chewed on the inside of it. "What an utter fucking prat. 'Since you've returned to Ferelden from Kirkwall'," he murmured before turning the page. "And this one expressly mentions the Templar and the fucking Chantry."

He dropped the letters back on the desk and ran both of his hands through his hair. This seemed like further evidence they - or he rather - was trapped in a hallucination, a nightmare, cobbled together from his two great obsessions: Logan Hawke and the fucking MMO they played together. His hands were shaking and he folded them tightly, scowling at the desk. "How about I set this whole lot on fire, and we go back to not knowing anything about what was going on and looking for someplace to kiss more?"

[modernhawke]

Logan wrinkled his nose in agreement and his lips curved at Anders' obvious dislike of the man. He gave him a fond look.

"To be fair," he said thoughtfully, much less perturbed, "the fact that you are capable of setting all of it on fire with your mind was a pretty good indicator that wherever we are is somehow related to the game already." He wiggled his fingers meaningfully to indicate that lightning he'd summoned earlier as more proof. Then he noticed the shaking of Anders' hands and stepped closer to him, covering them with his own. "Also, I'm pretty confident I'm real, and you're pretty confident you're real, even if the fact that we're actually together is pretty damn unlikely, and if we're both self-aware, this can't be a dream, right?"

He reached out to cup Anders' cheek. "All right?"

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders' expression shifted as his eyes moved from the desk to Logan, worry lines softening as his hand touched his cheek. He closed his eyes, nodding into the cupped hand with a little huff of a sigh. "Yes. Okay, that actually make sense." Unless the brain tumor thing were true and anything could make sense, he supposed, but the last time he'd said anything remotely like that Logan had nearly hyperventilated so he swallowed the pessimistic snark.

The things he'd do for love.

His lips quirked into a fond smile as he opened his eyes. "Always with your level head, love. This is why you're the leader." He glanced back down at the table with a fainter frown than before. "So, leader, where will you lead us now?"

[modernhawke]

Logan shook his head, lips quirking. "And here I thought it was just 'cause my mage has a fantastic ass. Isabela goes on about it often enough."

He leaned forward and kissed Anders' forehead.

"Well, we got two options - we can see what's up the peculiarly rickety ladder, or move out of what is most probably Cullen's office."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"Well, your real life ass is so superior I can't even remember what your character's ass looked like." Anders stole a kiss before Logan could escape after bussing his forehead, smirking, eyes watching for the signs he had flustered him before turning away to hmm at the ladder.

"You know if Cullen's bed is up there or something, I'm going to piss in it, right? I mean, that's a thing that's going to happen. So, maybe, assuming he's an important mage-hater around these parts we skip it?" The idea that there might be other people actually here, and that they were in some Chantry or Templar stronghold, two apostates who had just magically learned how to do... magic. He rubbed his forehead, the mirth dying. "Seriously though, lets stay away from the 'mages aren't people' Templars, huh?"

[modernhawke]

Logan's dismissive pfft was quickly swallowed by Anders' kiss, and when Anders pulled back he looked a little dazed. He licked his lips. "Right. Uhm. If you, uh, say so, love."

He gave a hum of agreement, wrinkling his nose. "Yeah, that's - let's keep moving." He took Anders' hand and tugged him towards one of the doorways, and then drew up short.

"On second thought..." he went back to the desk and replaced the letters carefully where he'd found them, and then placed Genitivi's book back on the shelf. Any place where Cullen was not only real but apparently some kind of commander big enough to get his own tower was probably not in their best interests to disturb.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders smiled fondly at Logan as he moved to return the book and letters to their places, and then laced their fingers together automatically before moving back out onto the battlements.

He paused at the outer side of the rampart, leaning out past the crenelation with a low whistle as he looked down. Nothing, nothing, nothing and more nothing. His eyes were wide and a little wild as he glanced around. "Holy shit."

[modernhawke]

Logan leaned over next to Anders and paled, the freckles on his cheeks becoming more starkly noticeable.

"Yeah, okay, that's...really freaky. Fuck." He pulled Anders back away from the edge and shook his head. "This...isn't normal. I don't remember anything about castles floating in the void in the game." He crowded close to Anders for the reassuring warmth of him at his side.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders' resisted the tug back from the precipice for just a heartbeat, eyes wide and fascinated. But when he looked at how pale Logan was, he nudged him up against one of the tall crenelations on the opposite side of the wall walk and leaned into him.

"Alright, well, what does float in the void? No... not the void. The Fade. Islands floating in all that annoying green nonsense, right?" He stared up at the sky and then looked back at Logan, eyebrow quirked. "It doesn't change anything though, it's still you and me, Logan. Here, together." His smile was lopsided and sweet, concern shining in his eyes.

[modernhawke]

Logan tried to think through what he knew of the Fade from the game, tried to make Anders' observations make sense in the event they'd been brought to some part of a fantasy world for real. He didn't like it when things didn't make sense.

It was rather a fruitless endeavor, but there was Anders, with a crooked smile and warm eyes fast on his face, and Logan found he didn't quite care as much as he should have.

"Together." He repeated the word reverently, nodded to himself, wrapped an arm around Anders' waist. "I didn't think I'd ever hear you say that, love."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders cuddled further into Logan when the arm circled his waist, basically laying on him while standing. "Well, now you have. And we are." He nuzzled against his cheek and pressed a kiss to the corner of his jaw.

He paused, drawing back for a moment. "We... we are, aren't we? I mean, I can call you my boyfriend, and it isn't..." He chewed on the inside of his lower lip again. Logan wasn't out. Maybe... maybe they wouldn't be together when they got home?

Huh. Seemed he'd started accepting all of this as real, then. So new things to freak out about, goody.

[modernhawke]

Logan felt giddy. "Yes. Yes. Please. You can - you can call me whatever you want, love." He took Anders chin between his fingers. "I want..." he groaned and leaned forward, captured Anders' lips with his own in a kiss so full of eagerness and yearning it was practically bruising.

"I want you. For you, anything, anything, I swear, I'll do anything- I don't care what my family thinks; I've got almost enough to buy the house that my mom wants up in Hightown anyways." He looks like he's about to promise more, but he bites down on his lip, hard, to keep from babbling. There's a slightly manic look in his eyes, a desperation just lingering under the surface that doesn't detract from the sincerity of what he's saying but does make it...somehow feel off.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders returned the kiss with ready interest, but when Logan broke it he ran his tongue over the abraded swell of his bottom lip, a tiny frown brewing as Hawke babbled. He ran his hands up to cup Logan's face and looked at him carefully.

"Logan. What... You have me. And I'll be here for you no matter what. I meant what I said earlier about how different people need to come out at different times. You don't have to tell your mom about me in order for me to be your boyfriend." His thumbs brushed over the freckled cheeks under them gently, soothingly.

"Sometimes people just want casual things, or, I don't know, an 'only in the Fade' clause or whatever. Not that I thought that about you, not at all, I just wasn't sure what you'd be comfortable with, and didn't want to presume." He shifted his hand, brushing his thumb below Logan's lower lip where he was biting it so hard, eyes worried.

[modernhawke]

Logan rubbed his mouth and closed his eyes. "God, you're perfect," he whispered.

The worry in Anders' eyes made the tight feeling in his chest fade, made Logan aware of the feeling in the first place. He almost laughed, and swallowed the wrecked sound whole before he could. It came back to Rowan, didn't it. It always came back to Rowan. He knew what they'd had had been messed up, knew that even when he couldn't quite believe it, but for Anders to say I'll be here for you no matter what, to say, You don't have to tell anyone about me in order for me to be your boyfriend was...everything he'd ever lost by falling in love for the first time with a man who didn't accept him.

And he wanted desperately to stop the worrying in the eyes of the man he loved now.

"I'm sorry. It's just...it's been a long time, and I don't want to lose you right when I've got you," he said, knowing it wasn't enough to explain, not really. He kissed the pad of Anders' thumb and fixed big blue eyes on Anders' face, willing him to understand.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders watched the anxiety shift and change in Logan's face. It wasn't gone, not really, but it had eased... he seemed to have a handle on it now, and whatever it was causing it, was too big right now to grapple with.

That was something Anders could understand even though it hurt more than a little to be cause of Logan's anxiety. He nodded, leaning in to kiss Logan again, long and slow, every brush of his lips cherishing.

When he pulled back he murmured, "For the record, I'm not perfect. I'm crabby and impatient and condescending to people I think are being thick. But if you want me in your life, I'm not going anywhere, Logan." He swallowed hard, and looked down. "I'd pretty much figured I was only going to be your friend, and I'd convinced myself that was enough. I was just happy to hear your voice every day. So you're not going to lose me if you don't want to tell your mom."

He cracked a small smile, looking back up through his lashes. "I might be pissed if you kept it a secret from Varric, though, fair warning."

[modernhawke]

Logan closed his eyes at the kiss and leaned into it, reaching out to touch Anders' cheek and draw slow, gentle circles there with his thumb. He nearly chased Anders' lips forward again when he finally pulled away, but licked his lips and resisted, barely.

One corner of his mouth inched up. "I don't know, I've always thought you sounded more sexy when you were being condescending to... well, I guess it was Carver mostly, wasn't it?" He smirked, but the expression faded when Anders looked down. "God," groaned, "How have we both been such idiots about this? That was supposed to be my schtick, pining fruitlessly and pretending it was all fine."

His thumb stroked over the line of Anders' cheekbone and he laughed, the booming sound that automatically can't out a bit at odds with this whole conversation. "Are you kidding? I couldn't keep it from him if I tried. He's way too damn nosy. And good at reading between the lines. Also knowing me I'd slip up and call you 'love' next dungeon night and then Isabela will climb into our computer screens to squeal."

He gave a lopsided sort of smile, paused to study Anders' face and then hummed. "I'll tell you about my ex sometime, okay? Not right now. It's not great first... date? conversation."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders snorted at Hawke's mention of Isabela's squealing, though his smile was stronger when he laughed. Good, that was good, he'd made Logan laugh, gotten him back on more stable footing. Of course if Isabela knew then the whole guild would, including Carver, and then... well Anders wasn't going to belabor that. It wasn't really at issue right now anyway.

He caught Logan's hand and kissed his palm before nodding. "Of course, love, you'll tell me when you're ready." He smiled gently. Everyone had exes and stories. It isn't as if Anders would be ready to tell him about his father if Logan asked him right this minute.

"And, not to be the beacon of optimism and steal your thunder for once, but it turns out neither of us was pining fruitlessly after all." He darted in, kissed Logan's cheek, and then broke away to start toward the next building along the wall.

[modernhawke]

Logan wrinkled his nose, looking caught between surprise at the kiss and frustration that Anders had darted away to quickly for him to respond. He wasn't entirely sure why this kept surprising him - Anders kept touching him, repeatedly, and every time it was like a goddamned fresh miracle. He was a sap, good lord.

He took an extra moment to admire Anders from behind, touching his cheek where he'd kissed him, and then hurried after.

"Who says I don't like beacons of optimism?" He reached for Anders' hand again when he'd caught up, a questioning brush of his fingers against the back of Anders' hand instead of just taking it.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

The brush against the back of Anders hand caused him to catch Logan's immediately and tangle their fingers together. He smiled over at him sidelong, and knowing.

What an adorable nerd he'd found himself. An adorable, gorgeous, breathtakingly good person, nerd. "You just usually are the beacon of optimism, love. I'm the cranky one, remember?"

Letting people die who yelled for heals outside his rotation, dumping aggro onto DPS who were bragging about topping the meter, and just never saving Fenris' ass for any reason... Anders had a reputation for being a jerk, and a diva in game, with a mouth and left-leaning political views to match.

[modernhawke]

Logan pursed his lips and wrinkled his nose at that. "I only pretend not to be angry at the world, love."

His brow furrowed, because that didn't quite sound right either. Yes, he had a reputation as the dad of the group, always nagging people to eat and sleep and generally put their rl needs first (especially Anders, but that was besides the point). And it wasn't like he didn't mean any of that - he did care about the members of their little group, and he was perfectly happy to listen to Merrill complain about how her family didn't get her when she needed and let Fenris drunk chat him about that mysterious, slightly criminal past of his which Logan was pretty sure Fenris still hadn't talked to anyone else in the guild about.

Still. He was self aware enough to recognize his tendency to big brother everyone came from a lot of years of taking care of Bethany and Carver when his dad was working and his mom wasn't quite up to it, and he knew that had only gotten worse after he'd been a selfish and immature teenager who'd missed the last four years of his dad's life and some key times in the twins as well by getting the hell out of dodge before he was even eighteen. (And then there had been his dad's 'take care of them when I'm gone' comment and Logan really didn't like to think about how much that promise might have changed and cost him in the scheme of things.)

Sometimes the role felt more performative than anything, but Logan had spent so many years practicing being the nice one, the one that put everybody else first, that he wasn't even sure how to go about not being that person anymore.

Anders' candor and relentless ability to be himself no matter what anybody else might think or whose feelings might get stepped on had always been particularly attractive to him.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

That drew Anders up short, and he turned to Logan, eyes searching his face. "I'm sorry, Logan, I didn't mean that you--" He grimaced, one corner of his mouth pulling slightly deeper than the other. "It was a dumb joke."

Of course Logan was angry? Who could look at the world and not be angry? Stupid people. Evil people. Logan was neither and that's part of what drew Anders to him. The fact that he could be good, recognize wrong when he saw it, and still care about people generally. Anders had a hard time with that, and it made him feel bitter and worn out and guilty that he assumed everyone had an ulterior motive, but he still wanted desperately to help.

He ran his free hand down Logan's arm, squeezing his other hand, added quietly, "You're able to feel angry and still be kind, and that's kind of amazing. I hope you know that?"

[modernhawke]

Logan shook his head. "It wasn't a dumb joke."

He stepped closer when Anders took his other hand. "I'm pretty sure you're the only one who could look at my inability to put myself first and think 'wow, he's amazing', but thank you." The words were self-deprecating but his tone was light, and his eyes were warm and fond on Anders' face.

Maybe it was time to stop making sure everyone else was okay before he was. Maybe if he'd done that a long time ago, not torn himself up over wanting to not push Anders into something he didn't want, they would have been together a long time ago.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders blinked at that and shook his head. "Shit, Logan, no, of course you should take care of yourself. This is coming out all wrong." He chewed on the inside of his lower lip, trying to figure out how to explain.

He squeezed Logan's hands tighter. "I mean, I guess from now on, I'll get to take care of you? If you don't mind?" He wanted, suddenly with an intensity too fierce to get out of his throat, to make sure nobody ever took advantage of Hawke's good nature again. "Logan, where do you live?"

All Anders knew was he'd grown up on farms, that he lived with his mom and Carver, that Bethany was away at school somewhere.

Anders was on scholarship and couldn't afford to go anywhere, he didn't even own a car, and all of a sudden he had this person he was thinking about, somewhere in the back of his head, that he'd upend his entire life for, but he couldn't, not really. He had nothing. Logan had said earlier he nearly had enough money saved for his mom to have a new big house, which meant his and Varric's company was starting to pay out... and Anders had been eating stale corn chips for dinner the past three nights in a row because he'd gotten to the letter office too late for the three-day-old cupcakes that the local vegan bakery donated to them.

[modernhawke]

Logan wanted, oh, Maker, did he want that, with a fierce wild ache in his chest. Not Anders taking care of him, although yes, that, a little, to have someone with him for more than just the expectation that he should take care of them because he was the eldest son. But more that they could take care of each other? Because he knew that Anders ran himself ragged, knew that he could benefit from someone real and not over the internet reminding him to eat and sleep, as much as Logan could use someone to remind him that he didn't have to take care of everything for everyone all the time.

And he was used to moving, enjoyed it really, not being tied down and if he got his mother settled and independent he could go anywhere, do anything, because he owned the business with Varric and it was movable and he had enough skills, even if they were mostly laborer's skills, to be able to find work anywhere. He would drop everything to be with Anders in a heartbeat, especially with Anders the one in school.

"Kirkwall," he says, his eagerness bubbling up in his voice. "Well, we're out in Lowtown right now but I might be able to move Mom into Kirkwall proper, into Hightown eventually. But you know I can get a job anywhere, right? And I can run the company remotely just as easily, especially at this point."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"You're in Kirkwall?" Anders rubbed his forehead, trying to still the laughter that was bubbling up, because this was embarrassing really. The two of them were the biggest idiots. How many times had he failed to ask the right questions to make this all easier?

He shook his head, snorting softly, and then stared up at the creepy, roiling light in the sky. "I live in Darktown, Logan." Darktown was a mix of abandoned industrial land, abandoned attempts at loft-based gentrification, and on the near side the shittiest student housing slum the the world had ever seen.

It was rife with crime, violent and non, and any time the University did particularly well or poorly in whatever major sporting event was happening, at least one car got set on fire.

He was trying so hard not to laugh when he looked back at Logan, but it was damn hard. "We're practically neighbors. How stupid can we be?"