RP: Logan Hawke (NSFW down below)

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"Not real. Having a nervous breakdown. And that's fine. It'll be completely fine." Anders felt like he weighed an extra thirty pounds, which wasn't far wrong with how much pond water his clothes had absorbed. He shivered as he approached the looming archway slowly, eyes wide.

The stone felt so real, the grit of mortar flaking under his fingernail, and he trailed his hand along it as he climbed a set of stairs up onto what were... walls. Battlements? The crenelations were the... castle-shaped things at the top?

He'd been playing fantasy games for years and he had no bloody idea.

It was colder as the wind whistled over him, and he huddled, arms going around himself. "Maker save me, I'm going to freeze to death in a hallucination." He kept walking, trying to chafe warmth back into his skin.

The tingling was uncomfortable, like pins and needles, but hot, and trying to get out, which wasn't exactly how he'd ever heard hypothermia described before, so that was a relief. He had to stop and lean against the wall as a violent shudder overtook him.

All of a sudden he was hot, far too hot and he held his hands away from his face, watching his clothes send curls of steam into the air. "Well, fantastic. My fucking fingers are on fire." He just stared in fascination at the licks of yellow-orange flames that limned his hands.

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[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders finally reemerged from the shirt. The flush was going to become a permanent fixture of his skin he thought, as it crept down his chest. He took picked u the sweatshirt hesitantly, having to fight the urge to bury his face in it and breath in. He wanted to know what Logan smelled like.

Well, now he would get his chance, he supposed. He fluffed it open with a little flourish and then tugged it on in one swift motion. His hair bounced and flopped when his head popped through and he grimaced as he looked down. "Well. It's certainly large enough." He was swimming in it, but at least he was spared the indignity of the sleeves covering his hands like he was a child. "You said you grew up on farms, but honestly, Logan, what are they feeding you?"

His teeth nearly clicked shut at the end, because he'd meant it to be teasing, but it had come out flirty. Appreciative. A little arch. Anders flirted with absolutely everyone in the guild (except for Fenris) so it wasn't too weird, he hoped. It just felt different with Hawke right there, and as stunning as he'd turned out to be.

[modernhawke]

Logan laughed, a warm, loud soud that seemed to boom from the center of his chest. He lowered his lashes somewhat so it wouldn't look like he was admiring the way his sweater, oversized though it was, looked on Anders. That was definitely the stuff of his fantasies, right there, which he perhaps should have thought of before he handed off his hoodie. Not that he would have then retracted the offer.

He leaned back with his hands behind him. "Oh, you know. Grass-fed beef. Hearty biscuits and gravy. That sort of thing." He grinned and then shook his head self-deprecatingly. "Nah, whatever is cheap and Carver doesn't eat first, really."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"And is Carver as... developed as you are?" Anders hooked his arms around his knees, quirking an eyebrow at Logan as he smirked. He couldn't imagine what that must cost to feed.

He hunched his shoulders a little so that that he could nestle the hood up around his ears. He turned his head, resting his face on his shoulder, and peered over at Hawke. This had the added benefit of being able to breath in the scent of Logan's soap without looking like a complete weirdo by sniffing the sweatshirt he'd just been forced to wear.

[modernhawke]

"He - hrr - erm - eh," Logan sputtered. Was Anders seriously asking him about how ripped his brother was? Seriously? He wasn't sure whether to be flattered at the obvious compliment of himself or jealous that Anders cared what Carver looked like, so he settled for a weird, confused, stammering mix of both emotions. "Yees? Well, more probably, but barely, and don't you dare tell him I said so. I'm taller though," he said, with some superiority. This had clearly been a talking point at his house.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders blinked at Logan's sudden consternation. What had he... oh. Oh, no. "No. I mean, yes, er no I won't tell him, but I'm not-- I'm not asking about your brother."

He snorted and muttered, "Besides, if I've ever heard a straighter voice over a headset than Carver's I'll eat my vest."

Anders shot Hawke a sidelong look, trying to hold in the sigh. He'd already freaked Logan out with talk of kissing him, and now he'd made him think he was interested to Anders of all people, and there wasn't a ladder tall enough to get him out of this hole he'd dug. It was humiliating. The one thing he would have given anything to have happen, meet Hawke in person, and he was being a complete idiot.

Extenuating circumstances maybe, but still.

[modernhawke]

Logan said, "Oh," and held in a sigh of relief, because that would have been WAY obvious. He shot Anders a small smile instead.

At the muttered comment, though, Logan scrunched up his nose in agreement and exhaled noisily and said, "Well, at least one of us is."

His blue eyes widened when that came out and he caught his breath and froze. Well. Well, shit.

(OOC: Okay I think I've come up with a reason why Bethany isn't really talked about much - she's obviously the smart one and got a full-ride scholarship and is off at college somewhere and not actually living with Logan like Leandra and Carver. ALSO. Going with the assumption that Logan hasn't actually told Anders he's gay? Since he doesn't talk about it really.)

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders had always wondered, but to hear it confirmed... did that make it better? Or worse? Better because there was a chance, or could have been... worse because if Logan was interested in Anders it would have come up by now.

He watched Logan with a slight, crooked smile, eyes a little sad. "You know it doesn't bother me, right? I mean I'm--" He shifted, looking back at the fire. "I volunteer at the queer student union. Big old bi-guy here." He tensed, waiting for Logan's to be weird about that, if he was going to be patronizing or act like he was actually straight, or just gross.

[modernhawke]

"You're - you're... oh."

What had he been expecting? After that wet dream comment? Straight guys didn't say shit like that. Some of them did flirt with everything on two legs, true, but it was mostly in a mocking way when it came to other men, as if even that had to prove how secure they were in their heterosexuality, and that wasn't ever how Anders had come across.

But Logan hadn't wanted to assume, had in fact been afraid to assume. It was easier to believe that Anders was straight and Logan had never had any chance with him than to admit that the possibility was there and Anders simply had never been interested.

He looked down, picking at a loose thread at the hem of his t-shirt, unable to meet Anders' gaze. It hurt, way fucking more than it should have, to hear what he might have had confirmed, a heavy sort of choking feeling that made thinking difficult and his limbs feel wooden. If he'd ever been able to pretend his feelings for Anders were superficial, that lie was gone now, ripped out from underneath him like a rug, his last vestige of support torn away.

"I mean, I wanted - I wished," he began, hardly aware of what he was saying for the pounding in his chest. I'm in love with him. I've been in love with him for forever. "Well. It doesn't matter now." He swallowed thickly. "That's...cool, Anders. It's cool."

It was most certainly not cool.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"If I'd known my biphobia-is-bad lecture was going to be required, I would have packed that. Along with my robe and wizard hat," Anders muttered sharply, raking his hands through his hair. He grabbed his shirt and shook it out, frustrated that it wasn't dry, hands almost shaking he was so angry.

He'd had plenty of guys be disappointed or repulsed when he'd explained it, but he really hadn't thought Logan would be one of them. And he sounded so dejected at the idea, like now that it was confirmed they wouldn't even be friends anymore? Well fucking done, Anders.

And of all the asinine things to be worried about while they were sitting in a castle and had apparently developed magical powers, he was thinking about how the man he'd been secretly pining over for ages, was a gold-star-gay bigot. He snorted a harsh, near-laugh, and shook his head.

[modernhawke]

The bitter laugh and Anders' comment were enough to cut through the fog of self-centered wallowing and grief and the voice nagging Holy shit, you really fucked up this time, Hawke, falling so badly for a friend who never wanted you - that's a new low, that's worse than driving off the only other man you loved because you were a fucking coward, that's - jesus, how desperate are you, anyways.

He shook his head, startled out of it. "What?" he said hoarsely, staring at Anders with wide blue eyes. "What? No, fuck, Anders, that's not what I-" He covered his face with his hands and slumped, groaning. "Shit. I am an asshole."

He could have kicked himself. Should, probably. "Look, you're bi, I'm gay, we're all queer here. At least you're, you know, out and helping other people with it. I'm, jesus, I'm 24 years old and I'm still hiding it from my mother."

His cheeks darkened. Great. Let's just spill all his embarrassing secrets about how absolutely he failed at everything. Why not.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

That made Anders blink, both the explanation and the admission he wasn't out at home, and he winced slightly at his own jumping to the worst possible conclusion. "But you seemed upset?" He tilted his head, eyes worried.

"And hey, Logan, not everybody can come out all at once, you know? It isn't always safe, and... not that I know anything about your mother, but..." He shrugged. "Don't doubt yourself for doing what's right for you."

He reached out a tentative hand and touched Hawke's bare forearm, just a light squeeze. He wasn't sure if that would be welcome or... but he was upset now, and Anders had been an ass because he was scared, and heart-sore, and none of this made any sense at all.

[modernhawke]

Logan stared down at Anders' hand as he touched him, watching him squeeze his arm and then pull away, and when Anders' hand was gone, Logan reached and touched the skin he'd just touched greedily, wonderingly. He hugged his arms to himself to cover the motion. Anders had been worried about him being cold. He could just play it off as that. Yeah.

"I - it wasn't about the bi thing," he mumbled, vaguely, watching the flames, and then changed the subject.

"My mom's not that bad. It's just, after Dad died, she couldn't stay on the farm anymore, not without him, so when Carver and Bethany graduated, she and Carver moved in with me. And they're still...living with me." He glanced at Anders. "I don't mind, really; I can look after her better this way, and Beth has someplace to come when she's on break where we all are, but she keeps trying to - to hook me up with girls as a thank-you, or...something? And I just, I don't really want to have to come out while she's still living with me, because it's going to be awkward and messy and she's going to cry about the no grandbabies from me and it's just...it'll be better when she's settled enough to be back on her own, and I've got some distance, and...yeah."

"I mean, it's not like three, four years ago when I was working with all those super straight farmhands - that wouldn't have been safe, like you said. So Varric thinks I'm just putting it off, now. And maybe he's right, I don't know."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders could be a terrible, self-centered shit. He knew that, had a way of blustering over people when he thought he knew best. But part of the reason for that was he honestly wanted the best for people, and seeing Hawke struggle with this, it made his heart hurt.

"You're lonely."

It seemed kind of impossible that Hawke, generous, affable, funny, kind, with his family, his and Varric's company, how drop-dead gorgeous he was, that he could be lonely. Not like Anders, shut up in his apartment, darting from class to class, refusing to date because of the man sitting next to him. It made sense for him, because he usually couldn't speak to regular people without getting in a fight.

But Logan? He swallowed hard. If he could be the one to... but that wasn't going to happen. Besides, they were sitting here talking about Logan's family situation when they were... fucked. Completely fucked in a nightmare castle, with magic, and where there was magic there was probably monsters.

[modernhawke]

Logan went very still, darting a glance at Anders. He wet his lips.

"Is it that obvious?" he said, with a splintered sort of laugh that tried to brush off his loneliness as really not that big of a deal, and failed.

"It's - it's okay. Really. I'm either demiromantic or greyromantic, I haven't decided, but I don't fall for people very easily, or often, you know, and so it's, it's fine. I mean, the only guy I've wanted at all in four years is - he's not interested, which is fine, I just, I need to get over it. I'm just really shitty at that."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

Anders stared at Logan like he was suddenly speaking French. "That-- that doesn't make any sense. He would have to be literally the stupidest person in the entire world to not want to be with you." It stung to know there was someone that Hawke wanted, but he kind of wanted to punch that guy in the face for making him look so sad.

[modernhawke]

Okay. So whatever Logan had expected Anders to say to the awkward half-revelation of his feelings, it hadn't been that. His brow furrowed slightly. Anders sounded jealous, but that couldn't be right, not after all his hedging about the kissing comment earlier, and, well, everything else. Maybe he was pulling that usual good-friend stance, the one where you assure them that anyone should want them even if you personally don't, because you like them as a person and think they deserve nice things.

Anders thinking he deserved good things was a very pleasant thought, entirely too pleasant really. Logan was beginning to feel a sort of emotional whiplash, and decided it would be better to heap more fuel on his 'get over it already' fire.

"Why, are you jealous?" he asked, grinning slightly, bracing himself for the answer to be no.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

The answer is yes. Yes, especially when Logan gives him that grin, teasing him. The sharp sting becomes larger and Anders' smile is tight and irritated when he pulls a face at Logan. "Not as if it would matter to anyone if I was."

He turned his shirt over where it was spread out in front of the fire. The thin fabric was drying quickly, and then he'd be able to get out of the sweatshirt, away the maddening scent that was going to haunt his dreams for the rest of his bloody life.

"Good job that'd be, right? You're grey-aro, hung up on some idiot, while I'm mooning after you? Worst love triangle ever. I'd be a stalker." Fuck. He was a stalker. He closed his eyes, cheeks flooding with fitufl color, mouth stretching in a pained grimace.

[modernhawke]

Logan was trying really, really hard to not let any of these statements get his hopes up, because if he let that happen and it still turned out Anders wasn't interested, that would hurt worse, and Logan wasn't sure how much more he could actually take.

But unless he was completely reading the situation wrong (and how logical was he when it came to Anders, really, so that was not only possible but probable), Anders definitely seemed jealous. Upset. Unhappy.

Logan reached out and laid a hand over Anders' arm tentatively, squashing the warm half-hope in his chest violently.

"It wouldn't be a triangle," he said, voice soft.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

The hand on his arm startled Anders, and he looked over at Logan with raised eyebrows. Now there was the vaguest possibility that Hawke was suggesting some kind of triad, where Anders was the no-romo leg in a very strangely wobbly stool. And if he was anyone else having this conversation, he might buy it.

But this was Logan, sweet, and protective, and seemed to have not one functioning casual bone in his amazing body, who Anders had confessed wanting to kiss, and then... oh he was an idiot. He put a hand over his eyes and groaned aloud. "I said I wanted to kiss you. And you weren't aghast at all. You were surprised, weren't you?"

[modernhawke]

Logan kept his hand where it was, his brow furrowing. Aghast? Had Anders thought he was aghast? He had nearly fallen on his face with surprise. He had thought it was pretty obvious.

"Should...I not have been?" he tried.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"You should probably be aghast. I'm a real nightmare of a kisser. Greedy, just want to do it for hours once I get started. It's horrifying, really." Anders was babbling. He was doing that thing where his mouth was taking over for the fact that his brain had completely lost the reins. Because he was thinking about kissing Logan. For hours at a time.

[modernhawke]

Logan rubbed the back of his neck with his other hand, glancing at Anders' mouth and then back up. He swallowed.

"I don't see the problem here," he said, and his voice was steady, even a bit cheeky, but his eyes on Anders' face were wide, because he was pretty sure Anders was talking about wanting to kiss him, for hours, and he was a little terrified he was going to wake up any second now.

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"Logan." Anders said his name breathlessly, looking at his mouth then up at his amazing blue eyes. "If this turns out to be a dream I'm going to murder my own brain." He smiled with a little shake of his head, eyes glinting. "With a leftover pair of chopsticks from that takeout you insisted I order last Friday."

All that mothering he did... was that because he felt like Anders did? But he did that to everyone, didn't he?

[modernhawke]

Logan leaned forward, his hand trailing up over Anders' arm in his hoodie to brush the backs of the first knuckles on his hand against Anders' jaw, the touch still tentative, wondering, not quite sure he was allowed.

He looked distressed by the very idea.

"Please don't. I rather like your brain."

[serhealsalot_fadewalk]

"Yeah?" Anders turned his face ever-so-slightly into Logan's hand. He wanted to do more. He wanted to climb into his lap and kiss him until he fainted from lack of air. He really wanted this to be real and not a complete nervous breakdown, dream, or some other hallucinatory type experience.

"It's super sexy, isn't it? All kinds of sulci and gyri." Oh good, he was still doing that. He really needed to stop with the word-vomit. "Normally I get complimented on my hair, but you went straight for the brain. Clever." Or he could keep on with it. "I'm really nervous and it's making me blurt. I'm a blurter. You knew that right? Please tell me you knew that."