RP: Aria (lavellanfadewalk) ((NSFW content further down))

[blackwall_fadewalk]

Skyhold. He was back in- but the sky…

Sometimes Sera had the absolute right of it. Fucking magic shite.

Blackwall sighed, choking up a tad on the bit of chair leg. There was the feeling of Darkspawn or other Wardens in the distance. Supposed to be someday he’d be able to tell the difference. Didn’t do him much good now.

The hold was empty. Not even wind to make the trees move. Like the air just before the storm broke. Unsettling.

He paced along the battlements one foot at a time. No one else around ‘less they were sneakier than him. Not like that was hard. His Warden armour made enough noise to cover a snowfleur’s approach. The next tower was the one the Inquisitor had refitted for the Mages. Couldn’t hurt to have a quick look. Some mageling may have hid in there and could tell him what in the Blighted Void was going on.

The west door opened with only a small creak.

Comments

[blackwall_fadewalk]

He rolled his eyes, not bothering to struggle when she took hold of his nose and didn’t let it go. Raised an eyebrow when she looked about to go on, but she closed her mouth and shook her head instead, so he shrugged.

“Warden business, my lady. Very top secret.” At least he was assuming it was. Maker, what if it were this strange not-Fade? Perverted thing for it to do. Not very likely either.

He pinched her nose in retaliation. She squeezed his a few times and twisted it one way and then the other. “You know, you don’t make a terribly solid case for claiming to be old.”

And this was all a lovely distraction from what he actually wanted to ask her. Should probably wait until he didn’t sound ridiculous. Which was more stalling. Fuck.

[lavellanfadewalk]

"Don't let my elven blood fool you, vhenan. By the end of this year, I'll spend my 38th Fall in this ruthless world."

Vhenan.
She had said it again.
Just like he had called her 'love' moments before.

A pit formed of her stomach and her heart bursted. She was panicking on the inside, she needed to breathe. Now. Aria tried to not desperately fumble with her limbs to leave the bed, planting a kiss to his forehead before getting up and finding her way to the small bath chamber, leaning against the wall to avoid collapsing.

The memories were vivid now and she struggled to stiff the sobbing, hands shaking. Creators, she was falling for him. Really falling for him. But the warm cuddling, his voice softly calling her 'love', his care and gentleness were terribly like... -

No.
No, no, no, she wouldn't keep remembering, not now.
Not fair with Blackwall.

[blackwall_fadewalk]

So, that answered the question of how much older than her he was. Was about to tell her so, but then something behind her eyes broke and she bolted. By the time she’d shut the door on an attached bath he’d barely noticed, he’d managed to prop himself up on his elbows. Sat there like a lump staring at that door.

That had been fear. He’d scared her. She’d been laughing and teasing as she always did, trying to hide it. Probably trying to scrub herself clean in there right now. Couldn’t blame her. Not a bit. In the heat of the moment, blood running high, you say plenty you don’t mean. Agree to things you don’t actually want.

Fuck.

Blackwall pulled up his pants and trousers, tied the laces with shaking fingers. Pulled his shirt loose of the headboard and put that back on as well. Struggled free of the bed. Looked between his armour and the door Aria- the Inquisitor was behind.

No. You’re not so much a coward you’d just leave without telling her. You’d better not be, anyway.

He dug under the unreasonable number of pillows until he found her underclothes. Padded over to the door. Stood there tracing the whorls of the grain with his eyes until he finally mustered up the balls to actually knock on the wood.

“Aria? My lady, are you alright?”

Of course she’s not, you knobhead! Old fool, what kind of question is that? ‘Are you alright?’ You fucking know she’s not, that’s what's got you running like a scalded dog. Maker’s balls, you’re as brainless as you are ugly.

[lavellanfadewalk]

Aria wasn't alright, but if she admitted, she would break.
She opened and closed her mouth several times, trying to find her voice to speak; she could lie, clearly lie, and hurt him. Or tell the truth and probably scare him away forever. But at least she wouldn't make him think he had done something.

"Sorry, I'm not." her voice trembled "But it's not your fault, I assure you."

[blackwall_fadewalk]

Not his fault. Part of him wanted to believe that. Not a large part, but it was there. And she’d been honest about not being well. But it was obvious that she hadn’t been. She was smart enough to mix truth with lies.

None of that was important now. He rested his hand on the door, leaning in as though he could reach her through the barrier. “Would you like your clothes?” Skyhold wasn’t the balmiest place. It was small, but it was something he could do for her.

[lavellanfadewalk]

"I-I..." I can't even keep my hands steady enough to dress myself "Could you fetch me the duvet?" she reached for the doorknob, to open it, still trembling, still trying to hold her emotions. Tears were filling her eyes already and she couldn't see straight anymore.

[blackwall_fadewalk]

“Of course.” He left her underclothes next to the door and stripped the bed as efficiently as he could. Grabbed a few of the larger pillows as well and hauled everything over to the Inquisitor. He did his best to fold the duvet a bit so it wouldn’t be so awkward, but goosedown wasn’t prone to neat folds. “Brought some pillows too, if you want to sit on them.”

[lavellanfadewalk]

"Thank you."

Aria wrapped the duvet around her shivering frame. Blackwall was clearly lost with the whole situation and she couldn't blame him. Before he could pull away, she grabbed his hand, avoiding to look at him. Breathing faster wouldn't help her keeping the tears at bay forever.

"Please, stay."

[blackwall_fadewalk]

He had no fucking idea what was going on anymore. But Aria didn’t need confusion. So he grabbed the smallest of the pillows and set it on the floor on her far side. Let her be next to the door if she needed to run again. Settled down with only a few cracks and pops. Crossed his legs and swapped the hand she was holding so it’d be more comfortable for her. Maybe he squeezed her hand a little. Just a little.

Didn’t lean in. Didn’t pry. Just stared at the far wall and waited for Aria to tell him what was alright for him to do.

[lavellanfadewalk]

Aria spent a good time in silence, a few tears here and there running down her cheeks, eyes staring the floor insistently. Cole would probably convince her to talk, to untangle the emotions and feelings coiling inside her chest. Maybe... maybe that worked. She took a deep breath, unable to face the man by her side for now.

“See... I was married once. Many years before the Inquisition.” Aria dried her cheeks with the palm of her free hand, nodding “We grew up together as close friends and once we were older, things weren’t only about friendship anymore. When I noticed, she was already eclipsing the rest of the world around me. I gave up ice magic so I could focus on healing magic, to aid during her hunts in the woods, and with her by my side I felt like I could conquer the whole world if I wanted.” she sighed, closing her eyes “Olendra was strong, beautiful and funny and she had an amazing, golden heart. We exchanged our vows not much after the vallaslin ceremony, we couldn't wait any longer to live together."

She chuckled, weakily, and a long silence followed until she spoke again.

"She died when bandits raided our aravels with trading goods. I'm sure the Emerald Knights would be proud of her bravery. I was proud of her bravery. But she died." her face turned into a ungly mask of sadness and tears, her chin trembled and the temperature dropped around them, the floor beneath Aria starting to freeze "I could do nothing to help, nothing to keep her by my side. I froze the bandits left, I dyed the ice with their blood. If not by the Templars arriving to Silence me, I would've turned into an abomination. Gladly." her hand squeezed his and she finally looked at him "She was the only one to ever call me 'love', the only one I ever called 'vhenan'. The only one to ever hold me close after we made love. And today..." Aria's voice faltered "Today was perfect as it used to be and I never thought I would let anyone else enter my heart as you did and here we are. I'm sorry."

And she kept repeating 'I'm sorry', face hiding against the duvet. The ice beneath her disappeared and the temperature went back to normal.

[blackwall_fadewalk]

He lifted his feet when the ice formed, but it didn’t creep up his pillow. Rubbed her knuckles with his thumb while he listened. Choked down the lump in his throat with a rough swallow. Blinked away the extra wetness.

She’d never said. Couldn’t blame her, not wanting to talk about that kind of loss. But then there’d been a vague comment- no, there’d been a few, hadn’t there? Little things about living with someone, teasing Bull about finding Dorian and holding on to him. Something about Bianca and Varric that he’d only half-heard.

Fuck. The shape of it had been there, but he’d always been shite at puzzles.

He turned his head toward the In- toward Aria. Couldn’t manage to look at her straight-on, but he leaned a little toward her. Pulled their joined hands up to press a kiss to the back of her hand. Put his heart into it, as though that would help.

“I’m not.” He answered her litany. “I’m not sorry. I am sorry that you lost your Olendra. I’m sorry that you only had a little time to be together. I’m sorry it still hurts so much. But I’m not sorry that I made you happy. Not for an instant.”

Selfish old man. Hoarding anything that brings you pleasure, even if it brings them pain.

“But if-” He could do this. Didn’t want to, but. “If it hurts you to be with me. If I’m not- I won’t leave you if you don’t want, but we don’t have to do this again. Blame it on the drinks, the heat of the moment. You don’t have to let me in.”

Fuck. Fuck. Why was the right thing always so fucking painful? It took some doing, but he loosened his grip enough Aria could take back her hand, easy.

[lavellanfadewalk]

Her eyes widened at his words, little by little.
Aria moved closer, reaching for both of his hands, admiring it for a few seconds. They were far bigger than hers, and warmer too. Both palms carried the calluses of a fighter and each back of each hand told different stories about injuries and tasks they could make. She traced small scars and lines with her fingers before moving a little closer, holding both hands on hers to keep her own from shaking.

"I want to let you in. I do." she let go one of his hands to dry her eyes in the duvet, still looking like a cocoon wrapped inside it, feeling her chest a little hollow after the flood of emotions "Being with you it's not painful. It's just... I kept this story inside for so, so long and everything stirred and... I panicked. For recalling everything, for letting you in. I was afraid I was just seeing you as a replacement for her." she swallowed hard "But you're not. No one could ever be. You're both unique. The pain left after her death will always be here and I don't want to live a life only in pain."

Aria could finally look at him, her blue eyes now red and sunken in tears "My heart is broken and flawled. More than I'd like to admit. I'm not asking you to fix it, I don't think there is a way to fix it and a request like that would be very selfish."her head shook briefly "But I like being with you, and talking to you and..." I love you "... I have deep feelings for you. So, if you don't mind some missing pieces and if you think you can find happiness in it... please, stay. With me, I mean. And my stupidy broken heart."

[blackwall_fadewalk]

Hysterical laughter bubbled up, and he managed to catch it behind his teeth for the most part. Made his eyes overflow, but that might go over better anyway. “Broken.” He nearly choked on the word. “You think, after everything we’ve been through, after all of the lies I’ve-”

He clutched her close. Hauled her into his lap and felt guilty about it for a split second before he realized Aria was holding him back even harder. He gasped for air, sniffled hard so he wouldn’t get snot all over her hair. She still smelled perfect. Always would. He kissed her hair, then pulled back enough she could reach his lips.

“If you want to put up with the broken parts of me, I’ll gladly accept every single part of you, broken or otherwise. I love you, my lady. I’ve loved you for…” Was there a single day? A day when he’d gone from only respecting her, admiring her, to all that and actively being in love with her? “I don’t even know. But yes. Yes, I’ll stay.”

And he kissed her again because. Well. Because he wanted to, and so did she.

[lavellanfadewalk]

Stupid, stupid woman.
'I have deep feelings for you', seriously, this is the best you could come up with? She loved him too, but the words were still stuck somewhere on her throat. Better take a step at a time.

Aria kissed him back, pulling away to catch her breath. To look at him and laugh away the remaining tears, sniffling hard and hugging him even closer, chin resting over his shoulder.

"Fuck, keeping saying it and I'll cry all over again." she chuckled

[blackwall_fadewalk]

“Hate to make you cry again.” He sniffled hard and wiped his tears away. There was a small cupboard next to the bath. Grabbed one of the washcloths from there and offered it to Aria. “Mind if we take all this back to the bed? My feet are freezing, and I don’t imagine yours are a lot better.”

[lavellanfadewalk]

"No, I don't mind. In fact, I was about to suggest it."

Aria left his lap and moved to dress her undergarments back, since Blackwall had brought it for her. She grabbed the duvet and a pair of pillows and went back to the fancy orlesian bed, putting the duvet back in place and waiting for him to lay with her.

[blackwall_fadewalk]

There were a few moments where he’d contemplated trying to sweep Aria up and carry her to the bed. His back cracked as he stood, reminded him just how and why that was a stupid idea at present. Maybe when he wasn’t so fucking worn out. A lazy smile curled his lips, the sense-memory of the taste of her come making his mouth water. Good way to get worn out, at least.

He fetched the pillow he’d been sat on, laughing a little when his meagre contribution was put back in place. “Doing all the heavy lifting for me. Feels like I’m back in battle, in the strangest way.”

He slid under the covers, ignored his trousers twisting and riding up his legs. Laid out on his back with a groan. At least the mattress wasn’t as terrible as the rest of the bed. He turned his head, probably staring at Aria all soppy, and offered his chest for pillow duty.

[lavellanfadewalk]

Once Blackwall was settled, she curled by his side, resting her head over his chest. She tangled her leg over his, lazily stroking his side with her hand "Oh, you know how the world works... mages own the battlefield, knights get beaten in their place. If not by you and Bull, I wouldn't be able to cast properly and doom our enemies." she grinned, fully aware she was being an ass.

"And without you Thom, how could I ever remain like this, in one piece and beautiful?" the grin widened.

[blackwall_fadewalk]

She made a joke of it, but she wasn’t wrong. He and Bull were the wall of flesh and armour between her and Varric, and the enemies they slaughtered. He was still chuckling a little when she.

That. Why? She'd called him. But why? That man was a fucking monster, and he’d.

She tensed against his side, which is what made him notice he’d stopped breathing. He blinked, eyes dry, staring at a particular bit of masonry in the ceiling. His voice scraped coming out of his throat. “No matter how many pieces you’re in, you’re still gorgeous.” It was a pitiful attempt at sounding normal.

[lavellanfadewalk]

That wasn't a reaction she was waiting after joking about him and Bull. His heart skipping a beat, muscles stiffening. Aria frowned, narrowing her eyes. What was wrong?

"Gorgeous, yes." she moved to sit by his side "What did I do? Something I said?"

Her voice was soft, not particulary pressing, but she was clearly worried. She held his hand and kissed his knuckles, putting his hair back in place with her fingers later. Waiting for an answer.

[blackwall_fadewalk]

“No.” Liar. “Not- you didn’t- It’s nothing.” It’s fucking everything.

His throat closes around the words, and no amount of swallowing will get them loose. He can’t get up, can’t look Aria in the eye even though he's really scaring her this time. He can’t do that. She was just laying her heart bare, he can’t.

“You said.” He tried to take deep breaths. “Called me Thom.” He tried to laugh it off. “Confused me. Why you’d call me… that.” Monster monster monster. She knows. She sees you, she can fucking see you. What you really are. Disgusting Filthy Murderer.

“Just, last time anyone used that name for me, I was going to hang. For good reason, of course. But still. Not exactly…” His eyes met Aria’s. Wasn’t sure what he found there, but it made him want to take everything he’d just said back. “Good memories.”

[lavellanfadewalk]

"Goodness, I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to... I just..."

Aria looked away, blushing.
She wasn't used to feeling ashamed.

"I called you Thom because... it's your name." she smiled, still embarrassed "But I should obviously had thought about how this would affect you, all things considered. I don't know what I was thinking..." not much, considering that not minutes ago his tongue was stealing her reasoning, but... "It didn't feel right call you by other man's name, considering our intimate activities." she tried to chuckle, but instead a weird, strangled sound left her mouth "And... and you asked me before, to accept all of you and... I don't know how else I could show you that I do. Accept all of you, it is."

She was running out of words, evidently.
"Ugh, sorry." Aria hid her face on the curve of his neck "Mythal, now is a good time to struck me and set the world free of my pathetic reasoning."

[blackwall_fadewalk]

Something in him fractured a little, but it didn’t feel entirely like a bad thing. He rolled over onto his side, cradled Aria’s head against his neck so she wouldn’t see.

“No that’s-” He cleared his throat. “If you want to call me that. It is my name. Just.” He stroked his hand over her hair, trying to settle them both. “I’d rather not hear anyone else call me that. So, if you could just.” He had no idea how to tell her why he needed. Why he coudn't stand if someone else should call him.

Thom.

He’d tried not to think about it. Another way of running from it. What he’d done. What he’d escaped. The man he’d been, worthless and rotten to the core. But that was him, wasn’t it? He’d boarded over the rot and thought it’d be enough to keep himself sturdy. Tried to pretend that another man’s foundation was his own.

Blackwall.

A better, stronger man than he’d ever been. Brave, honourable. Righteous. Willing to take on the burden of fighting the Darkspawn so that innocent people would never need to know that terror. He’d wanted that for himself. When the chance came, when the Warden’s might’ve condemned him for letting a good man die for his sake, he’d taken it. Gordon Blackwall’s life. But he’d been revealed for a fraud. Forced to face the consequences, however lenient. A Warden in truth.

So. Where did that leave him?

He pressed a kiss to Aria’s hair. His redeemer, in a sense. Given him a chance, under his own name, to be the hero he’d so long pretended at. If anyone had the right to call him by what he was.

“You can call me T-Thom.”

[lavellanfadewalk]

She snuggled closer to him, drawing circles in the middle of his chest with her finger "Are you sure? You don't have to say it just to make me feel less inconsiderate than I was."

[blackwall_fadewalk]

Was he sure? He shuffled closer to Aria, free hand rubbing over her back. No. He wasn’t. But certainty had never been a large figure in his life. No point in introducing it now. The only thing he was sure of in any way was that he wanted to sleep, next to the woman he loved, and then help her find a way out of this fucking bizarre Fade-world. Everything else? Would keep.

“It’s fine, love. I trust you.” Not enough to tell her anything, but oh yes, you trust her. He sighed, rolled onto his back again and pulled the duvet up to cover Aria’s shoulders. “I could do with a kip, I think. Care to join me?”